A friend had a mug made for me with my name and business name on one side and the words Agent of Happiness on the other. I love both my mug and the idea of being a person who can help bring happiness to others. But happiness can be an elusive thing, and it feels like a big responsibility as a life coach to claim that role for myself.
So, what is happiness? What do we really mean when we say we want to be happy? From my observations most people find happiness when they feel safe, fulfilled and content. But as unique beings our particular equation for happiness is as individual as we are.
Psychologist Martin Seligman came up with an actual formula: H = S + C + V, where H, your happiness, is the sum of S, your genetic set point (or natural tendency to be happy), C, the circumstances of your life (for example how much money you have and how healthy you are) and V, factors under your voluntary control. This suggests that whatever our background and personal set of circumstances, we can all still cultivate happiness by recognising and acting upon things that are within our control which bring us pleasure and enjoyment.
In psychology happiness is often referred to as subjective well-being and is a combination of three main elements:
- Emotional well-being is a balance in favour of positive emotions, like joy and gratitude, against negative emotions, like sadness and anxiety
- Eudaimonic well-being which covers having meaning and purpose in life and embracing personal growth
- Life satisfaction which is a general sense that life is pretty good
There are so many ways in which we can increase our subjective well-being. Working on having a positive mindset is one: focussing on the good things in life and being grateful for what we have. Instead of dwelling on problems, we can turn them around and see them as a chance to learn and grow. And it’s good to remind ourselves at every opportunity that our glass is half full. Focussing on the present, using tools like mindfulness and meditation to help keep that focus and reduce stress, is also key.
Research shows that another happiness booster involves our relationships – like spending quality time with family and friends and having positive, supportive people around you. Identifying and then ditching or limiting toxic relationships can really help.
Taking care of our physical wellbeing can also have a huge effect on our happiness levels. We all know that getting enough sleep, making healthy choices when it comes to food and drink, and making sure we get our bodies moving regularly will all contribute to better mental health. But even though we understand what we could be doing, and would love to do, prioritising these things and putting them into practise isn’t always easy.
So we often set ourselves goals which are admirable but unrealistic – maybe we set one big goal and then struggle to get started, or start and give up, because it seems so far away. Imagine you’ve set your goal as ‘I want to be happy’. It’s a great goal but you can’t flick a switch and there it is, happiness falling into your lap just like that. So don’t think about happiness as a final destination, rather see it as a series of steps in an ongoing journey.
You can look for happiness in the detail of the everyday – what small things can you easily incorporate into your life that bring you joy? It’s totally personal to you and your circumstances. And it gets easier and easier to see the opportunities once you start. Maybe it’s getting outside for ten minutes, indulging your creative side, baking a cake, reading a book or magazine, phoning an old friend, buying some flowers for your home, using your favourite teapot (that’s one of mine!), watching the sunset, meeting a friend for coffee, having a coffee alone, going to the gym or for a swim or paddling in the sea (if you live close enough). Often, it’s just taking the time, guilt free, to do something just for you, something you haven’t done for ages.
Feeling happy can be a bit like a muscle – if you don’t use that muscle, it gets weak … so start flexing it again and build it up. Finding joy little and often will increase your overall sense of wellbeing. Laughing about silly stuff is always uplifting in my book. I recommend being married to a man with great wit and a daft sense of humour – but five minutes of Instagram or YouTube funnies can also do the job!
Small acts of kindness towards others can work wonders: a smile, a compliment, a helping hand. And please, don’t forget to be kind to yourself.
So, back to my Agent of Happiness mug. It’s orange, one of my favourite colours – and it makes me feel happy every time I use it. What is it that makes me happy? Well, it’s a wonderful reminder of what I can do for others but it’s also a reminder of the dear friend who gave it to me, whose company is always fun and life affirming, who took the time to have it printed for me, who chose the words, who believes in me … it’s all that that brings me joy and makes me happy.
It’s pretty unrealistic to imagine that we can be outrageously happy 24/7 – but to feel intrinsically happy about our lives, the choices we make and the overall way we live can help us deal with the inevitable difficult times, disappointments and sadness that are all part of being a human being. If you’re struggling, there are lots of ways to get help. I know asking for help can feel really hard, but talking things through with family or friends, a therapist or a coach, whichever is right and achievable for you, can change everything.